Crushed Perfection (Girls Only)

Every girl’s first crush is Robin Hood, whether it be Disney’s Fox or Errol Flynn. It’s as simple as that. If they’ve heard the story, they’ve fallen in love with this “perfect” man. But, over time, our love for Robin grows dormant, tucked away deep in our heart, where it is hid, as we’ve grown up and realized that Robin is, in fact, fictional, and even if he wasn’t, he’d be dead by now, anyway. But deep down, if we were really, really honest, we still love him.

Then Kris comes along.

Most of you probably don’t know who this “Kris” is. Kris takes many forms and bears many names, but his main characteristic is that he is the heartthrob of a third of the single female American population. In popular media, Kris is more commonly known as Orlando Bloom. He’s perfect for everything—graceful as an elf, strong as a warrior, and as honest as Will. In local church youth groups, he takes the form of a more modest Kris-worship leader, cute, funny, honest, and believes that girls think in a manner that can best be illustrated by making spaghetti. However, any girl confessing her love for a Kris is smiled at, the aforementioned boy discussed, and then, just as the conversation is moving on, someone leans over and whispers “he’s out of your league.”

Hearts sink. With a more critical eye, she surveys her new love and realizes that he is, indeed, out of her league. Not to mention ten or fifteen years older than she is. Sigh. So over time she “grows out” of her crush and move on to more fertile ground. He is never mentioned again, and her love is laid to rest beside Robin in her own little love-sick graveyard. But, just like Robin, we still love him, and perhaps every now and then we’ll sneak a wreath in to lay over the unmarked grave.

But wait! There is one more who catches our little lady’s eye…and he’s cuter than Kris. So she meets Dan, who is responsible for the second third of crushes in the U.S.. Dan is better than Kris, and he has a dry sense of humor. While he might not be the youth’s worship leader, he is captain of the basketball team, the school’s star player, and class president. Did I mention that he is not just cute, but handsome? He’s also a prankster…but that only makes him more endearing. Unfortunately, she’s not the only one who has noticed Dan. Half of the school swoons if he happens to glance in their direction. Sure, he’s not dead, which is a plus, and he’s not twice her age, but her chances of getting him are just about as low.

So she sighs again and…stumbles across the We-Hate-Dan club, comprised of the other third of the female population. These girls are bent on destroying Dan, and getting every other girl to realize that he really is not as good as they think he is, a la John Tucker Must Die (which, incidentally, I only recommend if you are wishing to lose brain matter). They’re so focused on making his life miserable that they don’t even take time to look around and find out who else is cute, until they move away to college, and find some decent looking, not really impressive guy who they settle down and spend the rest of their life with. And then, every now and then, they sit down with a cup of tea and dream…of being Maid Marian, and waiting for Robin to come and rescue them.